Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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