I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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