Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
