Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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