Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
