Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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