Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
