Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
