I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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