My liver just broke up with me...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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