girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I need to stop coming to work sober
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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