At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
