please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
