so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
