p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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