Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
