Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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