Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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