Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm going to jail i love you
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
