There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
