I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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