Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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