There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
