fuck your aforementioned shoe
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This baby is an asshole
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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