Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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