my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
