1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
