you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
