Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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