i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
