i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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