Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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