oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
