Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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