What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
