Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
you had me at cake vodka
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
