tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I need moral support for this bender
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
