Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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