Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
