i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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