His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
