Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
