I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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