I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
