I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
bring money and cleavage
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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