she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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