I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
