Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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