What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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