What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
