You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
did i walk over a car last night?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
