Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
