Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
