update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
